Before Stevie came along I had a firm view of what sort of parent I would be- or at least I thought I did. As soon as those 2 pretty pink lines came roaring up at me from that pregnancy test, I began to wonder what sort of Mum I would be. Kind and caring? Supportive and encouraging? Firm but reasonable?
It wasn't long before I began to feel an entirely new emotion - Fear. The fear that I would not be good enough. The fear that I would do it all wrong and the fear that I would have no clue what to do with the beautiful babe that would soon grace my life.
Hours after Stevie was born, I turned to my midwife and asked..."should I try feeding her?" What an entirely new concept. Keeping a newly born human alive and happy! Those first few days were a blur of emotions, tears, smiles and the overwhelming happiness that only a Baby can bring.
But they were rough. I won't lie and say they were easy, because they weren't. They were hard work.
When Stevie was born, the midwife found that she had a mild tongue-tie. This meant that no matter how hard we tried, she just wouldn't latch. Add to that flat nipples and a semi-clueless Mum and it could have spelled disaster for our breastfeeding relationship - the breastfeeding relationship I had dreamt about for months and months.
While my baby slept, I spent hours searching the web for any information I could find about tongue-ties and difficulty feeding. I was lucky enough to have a team of amazing midwives who visited me every day for the first couple of weeks.
Together we syringe-fed Stevie expressed colostrum, then moved onto a nipple shield which she managed to latch onto- albeit painfully at first! It took us a week for Stevie to latch without the shield for the first time. I could have cried I was so happy! But the fear remained. The fear that she would become too used to the shield, the fear that she would need to be bottle fed and the fear that I would not have enough milk.
We slowly weaned Stevie off the shield, each day became easier and she would latch without it more and more, until one day it had been days since we had used it. Just like that, we had cemented our breastfeeding relationship.
I remember sitting in my breastfeeding chair once my milk came in and the blues hit, feeling an entire array of completely new and foreign emotions. Emotions I had felt before, but magnified ten fold until all I could do was look at my baby and cry. I cried with happiness, I cried with relief, I cried with fear and I cried with grief at each day that went by. Each day that my babe grew was another day I would never get back. She was growing up literally before my eyes and all I wanted to do was freeze time and just live in each moment.
Believe me though, it does get easier!
5 months have passed by in the blink of an eye and I am still terrified. I am scared for the future, scared of teeth and tantrums and teenage years.
But now there is a new emotion. Excitement. I am excited about what is to come. I never thought I would look forward to the amazing things Stevie has in store for us. Her first steps, first words, first day of school, first boyfriend or girlfriend, first car and first house.
It took me embracing my fear and understanding where it came from to really be able to see the future and feel excitement about it. The best is yet to come; but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the days we have now.
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