Finding the Joy through the Fear

Before Stevie came along I had a firm view of what sort of parent I would be- or at least I thought I did. As soon as those 2 pretty pink lines came roaring up at me from that pregnancy test, I began to wonder what sort of Mum I would be. Kind and caring? Supportive and encouraging? Firm but reasonable?
It wasn't long before I began to feel an entirely new emotion - Fear. The fear that I would not be good enough. The fear that I would do it all wrong and the fear that I would have no clue what to do with the beautiful babe that would soon grace my life.

Hours after Stevie was born, I turned to my midwife and asked..."should I try feeding her?" What an entirely new concept. Keeping a newly born human alive and happy! Those first few days were a blur of emotions, tears, smiles and the overwhelming happiness that only a Baby can bring. 

But they were rough. I won't lie and say they were easy, because they weren't. They were hard work. 
When Stevie was born, the midwife found that she had a mild tongue-tie. This meant that no matter how hard we tried, she just wouldn't latch. Add to that flat nipples and a semi-clueless Mum and it could have spelled disaster for our breastfeeding relationship - the breastfeeding relationship I had dreamt about for months and months.
While my baby slept, I spent hours searching the web for any information I could find about tongue-ties and difficulty feeding. I was lucky enough to have a team of amazing midwives who visited me every day for the first couple of weeks. 
Together we syringe-fed Stevie expressed colostrum, then moved onto a nipple shield which she managed to latch onto- albeit painfully at first! It took us a week for Stevie to latch without the shield for the first time. I could have cried I was so happy! But the fear remained. The fear that she would become too used to the shield, the fear that she would need to be bottle fed and the fear that I would not have enough milk.
We slowly weaned Stevie off the shield, each day became easier and she would latch without it more and more, until one day it had been days since we had used it. Just like that, we had cemented our breastfeeding relationship.

I remember sitting in my breastfeeding chair once my milk came in and the blues hit, feeling an entire array of completely new and foreign emotions.  Emotions I had felt before, but magnified ten fold until all I could do was look at my baby and cry. I cried with happiness, I cried with relief, I cried with fear and I cried with grief at each day that went by. Each day that my babe grew was another day I would never get back. She was growing up literally before my eyes and all I wanted to do was freeze time and just live in each moment.
Believe me though, it does get easier!

5 months have passed by in the blink of an eye and I am still terrified. I am scared for the future, scared of teeth and tantrums and teenage years. 
But now there is a new emotion. Excitement. I am excited about what is to come. I never thought I would look forward to the amazing things Stevie has in store for us. Her first steps, first words, first day of school, first boyfriend or girlfriend, first car and first house. 

It took me embracing my fear and understanding where it came from to really be able to see the future and feel excitement about it. The best is yet to come; but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the days we have now.

Knitting the Ten Stitch Zig-Zag Blanket

It seems that everywhere I look, people I know are having babies! What a fantastic excuse to stock up on an assortment of yarn and test out some of the patterns I have been Pinterest-hoarding!

The Ten Stitch ZigZag Blanket by Frankie Brown can be found here on Ravelry as a free download. 

I have knit the original Ten Stitch blanket in a pram size for Stevie and decided to try my hand at knitting the ZigZag blanket for my neighbour; who is due to give birth in a few months!

This blanket is so satisfying to make as it knits up really quickly and takes shape right before your eyes! The great thing about this blanket is that you don't have to worry about gauge. It can be knit with any yarn and any needle size and is a great pattern for using up odds and ends from your yarn stash.

I decided to knit this pram size ZigZag blanket in 3 different 8 ply yarns on 4.5mm needles. A tip I picked up is to use double pointed needles as you only ever have 10 stitches on your needles.
The blanket is made up using a repeating pattern of Zigs and Zags using clever increases and decreases, as well as joining the strips as you go. No seaming up at the end! Each seam alternates a ridge on each side, and as it is knit in garter stitch this makes it reversible as well.

And the best part? Make it as big as you like! Knit until you reach a size you like, get bored or run out of yarn!

Frankie Brown provides all of her patterns for free and in turn she welcomes donations to the Children's Liver Disease Foundation.

Leave a comment and let me know what projects you are working on!

Musings

I have been wanting to create a blog for some months now. I am forever writing in my mind, a never ending monologue of thoughts, ideas, dreams and doubts.
I never knew what to write about until now. 

Stevie Jay entered my life roughly 5 months ago. On the morning of the 19th of January I gave birth to my beautiful daughter with my wonderful, supportive, incredibly sexy husband by my side.
My birth was absolutely everything I could have dreamed of, but that's a story for another day!

Bringing my baby girl home was the most amazing and overwhelming experience. I will be chronicling my journey through Motherhood here, finding my way through a murky sea of so called 'experts' conflicting advice and a never ending stream of self-doubt.

In my spare time I enjoy knitting, quilting, researching eco-friendly cleaning supplies and baby products as well as eating ALL OF THE SWEETS!

If there is anything you would like to read about please let me know!

Alix Victoria

Hello and Welcome

Hello!

My name is Alix and I'm a tattooed wife and mother to a beautiful 5 month old daughter, Stevie.

I created this blog as somewhere to explore my crafting, knitting, mothering and all-out DIY dreams!

Drop a line and let me know where you are from. I would love to hear from you!


Keep it crafty!